I feel we’ve shared so much sad news through our journey through the last nine months. Many of you have shared that journey with us and cried alongside us, hence you deserve some good news!
Well the exciting news is baby Miles number 2 is due to arrive on the 18th of June. On Thursday we had a 16 week scan which confirmed that baby doesn’t have the condition Aurelia had and they had a good little check of baby generally and all seems to be going well but we’ll breathe a final sigh of relief post the 20 week scan at the end of January.
It’s only today that I’ve felt able to type these words and share this news so publicly. It’s not that I wanted to keep this baby secret, but it felt like before sharing was daring to hope that this baby would be ok which was hard to let myself do. I’ve had to make myself do things through this pregnancy that I did, when giddy with optimism and pregnant with Aurelia. I wanted this baby, whatever happened, to be treated the same. So at 6 weeks pregnant I bought a little bear as I’d done at the same time with Aurelia. At 9 weeks pregnant I began writing in my new pregnancy journal, as I’d done at 9 weeks pregnant last year.
It’s been a funny old 16 weeks. Of course there’s been so much joy and excitement at the thought that maybe, at long last, we’d have a baby in our arms very soon. As you’d expect there’s been huge anxiety on the other side of things, not helped by a couple of scares we’ve had. Thankfully the NHS have been a phenomenal support and have given us lots of extra scans, not because they expected anything to be wrong, but simply because they understand a pregnancy under such circumstances isn’t just physical but psychological too (#longlivetheNHS!).
What I didn’t expect from this pregnancy was the fresh waves of grief I’ve sometimes felt. I think some people think once you’re pregnant again, it’s all ok as you’re having another baby. But this baby isn’t a replacement, and carrying another life has sometimes been a painful reminder of the life we’ve lost this year.
The consultant said to me this week ‘can you relax a bit now?’- my answer was that yes a bit though when you lose a baby you enter this new and hidden world of lost babies where you suddenly realise how much can go wrong at any stage of pregnancy. She nodded somberly but we agreed I now need the chance to have a normal pregnancy. So a normal pregnancy I shall have from now on!